this does get easier...supposedly

...but am not entirely convinced.

i am sitting here a bit numb, and teary-eyed. my baby boy is at the dayhome for the first time. and i feel numb. the 3.5yr old is an old pro at it, there were even times (when i was on strict bedrest and after recovering from the birth of my 2nd) where he went full time.

i started my family in my mid-30s - i had gotten to a point in my career and travel (50 or so countries) where if it was all taken away, i would adjust. so it seemed the right time. i know the drawbacks of being an older parent, but the great thing was sculpting a satisfying work life that seemed compatible with having a family.

seemed
seems

i seem to be wavering on this - back and forth. it is only part time care (and paying through the nose for it so the boys can be together with someone who shares similar parenting perspectives) - 15hrs a week...and still i am feeling numb, guilty, sad, relieved, tired, stressed, anxious. ugh

2 of my jobs are very flexible and i can sacrifice a bit of sleep for them to work at home when my husband is home from his regularly-scheduled job.

it's the 3rd one that is complicated. it's not just the job it's the benefits - unlimited travel, discounts on other airlines, travel...and the history (although i am part time now there, it was my first job out of university - it sustained me financially when i went back to school for the years that it took to become a registered massage therapist...the work i am truly passionate about...it gave me freedom to travel, to not just dream about seeing places, but going...experiencing.

as of march, it will be 16yrs there. so leaving is harder than just quitting. i keep hoping that the company will ask for volunteers to go - offer a few passes for time served, shuffle us away.

strangely - i want that! that now seems like freedom. freedom to travel AND have more time to do the work i love AND maybe even fewer hours of childcare.

i don't want this to be like a bad break-up. where you walk away with nothing but what ifs. the work is okay, i like the people more than the job, and my history with the work makes it harder to separate. but i think today showed me it is harder to separate from my boys

i will try and wait
the contract is supposed to end in early spring
hopefully i will get the handshake i am looking for and we can still be friends

i just don't know

as i walked home (15min)
stroller-less in a bundling-up kind of winter day
i let the tears flow
the uncertainty of how i felt about this decision
going through the moments
handing over my snowsuited sleeping baby
into capable arms
but paid ones

i stopped and bought some ketchup chips
and a pack of stickers
one to get me to numb
the other to alleviate the sadness of walking home without them

so i am eating the chips
all 150g of them (5oz for you imperial-ists - doesn't seem so bad)
and will let the fried potatoes, the msg, the fake flavouring take me to numb
as i prep to go to my now inflexible job that will compete with the others for my time
that will compete with my children for my time.

i may need to buy another bag of chips...