Friday, October 31, 2008

it just makes me sad

everything about having a baby should be in its own way joyful

i know in many ways i felt so far removed from it, i couldn't express joy
it's like i couldn't catch my breath

first i had a footling breech position for my baby
then gush - pprom
easy but quick labour
to end with an emergency c-section
i've learned that a 34 weeker in the rarest of breech positions just doesn't have a good shot at survival unless he is cut out

and i felt cut and damaged
and sometimes still do
behind tears
behind the sweetness
is the sadness

not so much about the nicu
my little c triumphed and got outta there more quickly than anticipated

but the c section

i have the ugly hypertrophic scar, adorned by now-white stretch marks to show for it

i don't think there is always some great reason behind things, i mean for me, the medical files state - reason for prematurity - medically unknown
and that is the sign
sometimes it just is

but the c section is more than just a physical scar
it is the loss of a dream
it is a mark that says life really isn't fair sometimes
it is a red and angry line that screams this is not how i wanted it to be, why why why did my body fail me?
and it is a lot of tears
not for the healing on the surface
but how tenuous, how irritable, how raw it is below.

a very dear friend has just had an emergency c-section
and in those tears of joy, past the time of shock, she may feel the gash of sadness
the medically-necessary inflicted wounds
that make healing the mind's heart a very difficult task

i wish her peace
i wish her joy in this odd way of initiation into motherhood
i wish her love and support

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